Le affaire and le bullet

Milwaukee Police Chief Ed Flynn wants to make drunk driving a reason to prevent a person from being able to carry a concealed weapon in Wisconsin. Excuse, me, but what the hell does drunk driving have to do with carrying a concealed weapon?

Perhaps Flynn should be concerned about his own weapon and keeping it concealed. After all, when is a gun (double-entrende intended) more likely to be used with deadly intent, the result of an extra-marital affair gone wrong, or when someone is drunk? The jealous and angry spouse, or a shooting at a few road signs?

Perhaps Flynn should be reminded of everyone's favorite nursery rhyme from Full Metal Jacket:

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [chanting] This is my rifle.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [grabbing his crotch] This is my gun.
Marines: This is for fighting.
Marines: [grabbing their crotches] This is for fun.

Face warmer

Look Dad, I ain't eatin no more beets

Baby Says "F*ck It" - watch more funny videos

I prefer my slides circumcised

Wiener Slide - watch more funny videos

Suggestions to make the British royal wedding better for men to watch

We checked with our male friends and asked them if they were planning on getting up early to watch the Prince William marry Kate whats-her-name. The reaction ranged from "What are you gay?" to "Dude, I still have my testicles." Obviously this is a problem for the networks. They may have the wedding crap on nine channels, but we still control the television remote and our wives don't know how to work the DVR. So we consulted the Cheddar 9000 computer and came up with a list of ways to make the British royal wedding interesting to men:

1. Instead of horses and carriages, NASCAR.


2. Hooters girls for bridesmaids


3. Prince Harry tells the Aristocrats joke at the wedding reception for the best man's toast to the happy couple.

4. Instead of trumpets heralding the arrival of royalty, Michael Buffer yells, "Let's get ready to rumble!"

5. Adam Sandler performs the wedding ceremony.

6. An old-fashioned beheading at the Tower of London.

7. Spraying of beer instead of throwing rice.

8. Prince Charles, "making it rain"

9. Instead of Kate throwing the bouquet, jello wrestling cage match.

10. Bride walks down the aisle to "Welcome to the Jungle"

At least he'll listen when it's bedtime

The Aristocrats joke explained

Gilbert Gottfried explains the Aristocrats joke:


Bob Saget tells his complete version:

I may become a soccer fan after all

Roundabout without an island

Don't give the Wisconsin DOT any ideas.

I wonder if they washed her down with Coca-Cola

Remember to floss after eating the human

This is what happens when someone really stupid hears how the cute, cuddly polar bear is endangered by global warming. Natural selection? Yeah, a new selection on the polar bear buffet line.

Wouldn't it be ironic if she's a vegetarian?

Just telling the truth

Carnival game gone wrong

"Go ahead, little girl. Throw a dart at the balloon and win a prize."

You should have seen how the balloons were inflated. Here's a quiz for you. Which of them are Friends of Dorothy, and which one actually did Dorothy?

But grandma, I don't want to give you a hug

How about we shake hands instead, grandma?

When Dolly Parton's airbags deployed

Yeah, try stuffing those back into the dashboard.

But who is the compensation for?

Oh Yeah!!! Ladies, drink this in!

Do you think he lost a bet?  I bet he got the idea while in prison.  Dude, maybe you should try the sugar-free.  Why is he smiling when he lost his little spout?

Looking at those apples everyday will keep the doctor away

Good news for those of you who are fans of boobies. According to Fox News (they report, we stare at the video) it is good for a man's heart to look at women's breasts at least ten minutes per day.




That's right. You can either do the cardio workout or you can go to the strip club three days per week. Yeah, guess which way my health club money is about to get spent. I'd like my refund in singles, please.

Unfortunately I think this study leaves far too many unanswered questions. For example, is is better for men to look at fake tits or real tits? (I love doing research.)

Fake tits

Real tits (we think)

Is it heart-healthy for lesbians to look at tits?  Is it heart-healthy for men to look at lesbians?

And most importantly, if looking at boobs is good for the heart, do these work as a defibrillator?

Take two of those and slip out of bed before she wakes up in the morning.

Finally, as much as I hate to ask this, but do these have a positive effect on the heart?

Because I can name one part of the anatomy that was not helped by staring at those.

White House message

One day Barack Obama woke up, looked out the window, and saw pissed into the snow, "Fuck You Obama." Obama was really ticked that something like that happened. He called the head of the Secret Service to his bedroom and yelled at him. "How the fuck did that happen? You better find who did it - NOW."

The Secret Service immediately flooded the White House lawn with agents taking samples and looking for clues. Then they ran over to the FBI headquarters to run the tests. Finally the head of the Secret Service came back with a report.

"I have good news and bad news, sir. The good news is, we know whose urine it is. It's Bill Clinton's."

Obama nearly dropped his cigarette. Shaking, he yelled, "How the hell is that good news? The former President just snuck in here without you seeing and pissed 'Fuck You' on my lawn? What could possibly be the bad news?"

The agent paused for a second and then said, "The handwriting is Michelle's."

Girl may have world record for most fingers and toes

Girl With 12 Fingers, 14 Toes Reaches For Record

From almost the moment Le Yati Min was born, her mother knew the girl had a little something extra.

"I asked the nurses whether my kid was born complete with hands and legs," says her mother. "They replied that the baby even has more than she needs."

Born with 12 fingers and 14 toes, Le may be the most "digitally enhanced" person in the world. Now, the 16-month-old girl's family in impoverished Myanmar is seeking a Guinness World Record to prove it.

A neighbor is helping her mother apply to claim the record hearing that a boy from India currently hold bragging rights for the most digits, with 12 fingers and 13 toes.

No wonder Asians are so good at math.

What the Amazon Kindle really needs

Why would I buy an Amazon Kindle until it comes with a special fold-down screen for reading Playboy? What's the point?

You thought the staples in the magazine were annoying.

If the internet isn't for the efficient viewing of porn, then I don't know what the internet is for.

Inconsiderate Tiger Woods spits on green

Dubai Desert Classic: Tiger Woods says sorry over spitting incident after European Tour fines him

Tiger Woods issued an immediate apology on Monday night after being fined for spitting at the Omega Dubai Desert Classic. Woods provoked outrage by propelling the contents of his throat across the 12th green as he lined up a putt on the final day.

Seriously, people? You're going to get upset because Tiger hocked a loogie? I bet it's not the first time he ever saw someone spit on a green.

"Dang girl, why didn't you swallow? I have to putt there tomorrow morning."

Tiger Woods, the master of lay and lie. You know what 18 holes is to Tiger? A slow weekend in Vegas.

Playboy mansion fundraiser makes people sick

I knew Playboy was not the financial empire it once was, but a fundraiser? Here's the report:

LA County probes Playboy Mansion illness reports

This isn't the first time, but at least this time it was airborne.

I'm sure more than LA County has probed in that mansion.

Can you imagine the lab report on those cultures? "Nothing on this slide except herpes."

It would be like looking for evidence in the Clinton library's "special" Oval Office replica. Ick.

I'll take mine with a light dressing

Terrible news in Cleveland:

A mother and daughter face animal cruelty charges stemming from their alleged abuse of more than 100 dogs rescued from a stench-filled home that the two women ran as an illicit breeding facility, authorities said on Sunday.

Alerted by complaints of foul odors and ceaseless barking, sheriff's deputies and humane officers on Friday raided the Cleveland-area house to find 108 dogs alive but malnourished wallowing in knee-deep muck inside.

Good thing the shithouse is far away from MMSD.

Moore said there were no water bowls or dog food in the house, and that the animals survived on a diet of raw kale and uncooked rice fed to them by the women.

What are they complaining about? It looks like the school lunch menu after Michelle Obama gets a hold of it.

Accidents will happen

They didn't have a tux in a "junior miss" size

These things will happen. Justin Bieber saw Katy Perry and... then he needed a new suit. Fortunately, the Grammys were prepared. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson cleaned out all the little boy suits.

Black Bride of Frankenstein

Nicki Minaj, Black Bride of Frankenstein

Honky Bride of Frankenstein

I'll bite. Or maybe Nicki will. Who is scarier? That's right. It's whomever was scary enough to force Nicki Minaj to wear that dress. That's one bad mo' fo.

Rihanna loses in sorority prank

I wonder how much Cottonelle is paying her to wear that dress.

Looking through that dust cover, it looks like the carpet don't match the drapes.

I wonder what happens if that "dress" gets caught on a nipple ring? Or any other pierced body part?

Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys in a giant egg

Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys in  a giant egg.

I would be more impressed if her entire entourage was a bunch of giant sperm.

Who knew dog could be so fattening?

Korean Barbie looks like she needs to lay off the feed bag.

Who knew a Korean princess looked like Elizabeth Taylor?

Her calorie intake is probably enough to feed every North Korean Proletariat Barbie.

Missed the eye

Guys, it's not too late to buy that special Valentine that special present that says, "I want to jizz in your ear."

Yes, she'll be thankful you didn't get it in her hair.

At $4, what a bargain. Normally that would cost at least $50. Maybe she charged by the minute.

The best part about a gift like this is that there is no way she can mistake your intentions. You're saying she's cheap, and you can't aim.